in over my head.
I woke up this morning feeling really good about the happenings of the day. Thursdays are my day. My husband works remotely and "gives me the day off" to spend time doing whatever I so please. I usually end up at the beach for a couple of hours and then a coffee shop to get caught up on work. It's so nice to have that time. It's needed, and it's appreciated. (Thanks, Babe --I know you're reading. Thanks for that, too.)
I got out of bed, baby still sleeping (come through, God), and carried my phone to the toilet --as we do. Smh. SN: A great way to NOT waste time is to leave that thing right where it is in the morning and go on about your day. I needa practice that.
Anyway, I'm sitting on the toilet. Literally just sitting there in my DIY sauna. The shower's on. You know the scene.
I open my email, and there it is. These folk that have been harassing me 'bout a bill I ain't payin', right? AND I detect a slight 'tude in the tone of their text. My blood pressure SHOOTS up. I immediately begin to construct a proper response, which began with "Per our previous..." so you already know. I was about to go in.
Smh. I've gotten so much better at taking a moment to think through my responses to things (in general), but it just bothers me when folk-- anyway bc I'm getting heated typing this. LOL. Lawd help me.
Ok. So fifteen minutes later I'm JUST getting in the shower (I realize how horrible that was for the environment, and I'm sincerely sorry to the planet).
IN said shower, I have to "quickly" wash my hair, because I'm going to meet a new client and interview with another (in Beverly Hills, so... yeah). I'm washing my hair, and you wouldn't believe the amount of shedding taking place. About a month ago I started to notice my hair thinning out around the edges (NO, Gawd!) and just excessive shedding all around. Globs of hair come out at every wash. They say it's a post-partum thing. Idk. I started freaking out in the shower. Got out shaking, literally. My husband looked at me and said, "Are you crying?" It was a whole mini crisis. AND we ain't have time for it. Solona needed to be to school in about 30 minutes, and I had planned to take her since I was gonna head out on my lengthy commute around that time anyway.
Ok. So. We make it out of the house in a crazy rush. I accidentally leave the ice packs for the breast milk I plan to pump during the day, so we have to run back up the elevator for them. Blah. Get back down to the parking garage. Run to car. Throw in junk. Hit the button to start.
I try again. This time an insane series of clicking happens. It was in this moment that I almost decided to just stop even trying. For five seconds I closed my eyes and considered just going back in the house. And then, my second gear kicked in. Called hubby while simultaneously Googling what my car was doing to find answers and how-tos. Hubby gets down and ends up jumping it. My battery is low, apparently. Ok. Cool. Bye. We gotta go!
In an effort to shorten this extensive rant about my day and get to the really good part, I'll just list out the rest of the series of unfortunate events:
Traffic sent me all over Los Angeles, California. My commute was 1hr 19min to my destination. I got there 24 minutes late, but the meeting went incredibly well! I walked out literally planning to write a post on my personal FB that said: "I'm out here hustling in these LA streets and really living the California Dream!"
I was gonna write it in the car while I pumped my full breasts. And then I was gonna change into my interview attire and freshen up my face and put on a touch of make-up. Ya know, gotta make a nice lil impression.
Chile, that car ain't start! You hear me?! It would not start!
In that moment, I didn't have time to react. There were too many decisions to be made. I had to be at the next appointment in Beverly Hills in less than an hour, and it was at least thirty minutes away. I legit took a deep breath and called my husband. I told him what was happening and that I was gonna call an Uber right away to get me to my appointment. I asked about getting home. He said he'd call Triple A. I ordered the Uber. It was 3 minutes away. I snatched my dress off its hanger, got dang near naked in that car, threw the dress on, switched shoes, grabbed up all the things, and hopped out to flag down Irena. I know her name, because she was an angel in her brand new, white Camry. God, she was calm.
I told her what had happened, and she told me to do whatever I needed to. So, I proceeded to freshen up my face and hair, put lotion on my ashy ankles, call my husband for details about my rescue, review my notes for the interview, and try to remember to breathe instead of cry.
When I finally looked up, I was just off Rodeo Dr. in front of a beautiful architectural building.
I hopped out 8 minutes shy of my appointment time and called my contact. The building was stunning. All white everything.
The office itself was all glass all around. There were spectacular views of the gorgeous homes up in the hills for as far as you could see. Unbelievable, it was.
Again, my meeting went really well. I felt great about it walking out.
I look down at my phone to order an Uber back to my car. Battery at 2%. Lord.
It was in that moment that I completely surrendered to the happenings of the day. I told myself with confidence. ”The battery will last until you get in somebody's car. It's okay. You’re okay.” And it did last until I got into my new driver's car. Plus, he had an iPhone charger.
The traffic sent us all up and THROUGH the hills, and let me just tell you. For about the third time of the day, I had to hold back tears. This time, though, they were tears of gratitude.
Here I am, in Cali. Lost. But in the right direction. In over my head. But covered in my belief.
I am certain that God wants me right where I am.
I'm getting to where I'm going, and it is not an overnight journey.
I know it can seem that way. I'll just speak for myself. I know my images and captions online often look and sound nice. I craft them that way. I happen to be good with visuals and words. But I am so, very human. And I don't always feel confident in what I'm doing or where I'm going. I have days, like today, where I get really close to questioning everything and wanting to just give up, because it doesn't look like it's working out. Truth is, I've been hustling SO hard for the past several months. I'm determined not to go back into the classroom (I was a teacher for eleven years). And I want something different, something more. BUT. You can't just snap your fingers and make it so. I want to build a new career that is all my own, and it is HARD. I am TIRED!
I'm tired, ya'll. And that's the truth.
This is really long, so if you're still reading I assume you can relate.
If you're knee deep like I am, don't turn back now. We've come this far.
The thing that I kept thinking as I drove my car back home with its new battery on a two-hour commute is this: "It will be over soon."
From yesterday morning until the moment I walked into the house after it was all over was about 12 hours. It felt much longer. But regardless of how long it lasted, I didn't die. And it didn't last. The insanity came, and it went. What if I had given up first thing, when my car wouldn't start the first time? I was already running late at that point. And I still needed to drop Lona, get gas, and breakfast. I hated the idea of having to tell my client that I would be late for our very first meeting.
It was a day. And as I'm editing this (it's super late)... a freakin earthquake happens. Yes, reall.
But still. Those views. And the seventy degree weather. The possibilities. The doors that were literally opened for me on this very day, IN the midst of pure chaos!! In the MIDST! While my car was dead on one side of town, I was literally meeting with folk who are doing a hundred million dollars a year. I was in their office talking opportunity. And I was reminded that I, too, have access to abundance in my life. We make it what want it to be. We get to decide every day.
Each new morning.
And suddenly, I'm writing this thinking... "It was a beautiful day after all."
Thank You, God.
I know you go before.