I didn’t know my heart had grown cold. I was so indifferent about using it over the past couple of years that I just kind of didn’t even think about whether it still worked or not. I didn’t realize its winter had carried on beyond that of the one in my head, because I’ve been focused on my thought life more than anything else, really. I’ve wanted a sound mind most of all. My heart/loving again just hasn’t been a priority in a long time.
And I think that’s perfectly okay. After years of back-to-back relationships I needed a break, and thoroughly enjoyed it. Being alone gave me a confidence that I lacked, unknowingly. The confidence that I was enough. That I could do this on my own. Raise my daughter, pay my bills, travel, live my dreams, be happy, etc. by my SELF. Do you understand? I’m not sure I ever really believed that before, because I was too busy depending on the men in my life to provide all of that for me.
So I was very content with my little “single in the city” life, ya know? Even proud of it.
And then the unexpected happened.
I’ve written about him before in “Hopeless Romantic”. Read it HERE.
Some months ago he flew to Houston and we discussed the past and possibilities of the future over Mexican food at Irma’s. That evening we vibed out at a KING concert followed by a late night of painting on my living room floor. By the next morning after an early bike ride and the perfect mix of verbal and non-verbal communication in the park on my favorite blanket, the ice on my heart was melting.
It felt good. It feels really good.
Especially because there is no reason for me to be into him other than the fact that I just am. The attraction isn't influenced by some need or void I'm trying to fill. It's the most genuine crush I've had on a person that I can remember, ever. I dig him. I just do. And I love that he doesn't take that and run with it. Run with my heart, wildly, without knowing what to do with it. You know? Because that's what has happened in the past. He's careful with me, and I appreciate that.
Anyway, more on him some other time.
Winter is gone.
And though my heart grew cold, it never stopped beating. I survived, and there’s still a lot of love in there.
Point of all this:
If a flower can bloom after winter, so can you. I read this somewhere in the world of social media recently. A beautiful reminder for anyone transitioning between seasons.
As long as there is life within us, we can bloom again. And again. And again.
Things are blooming all around me. Wonderful, colorful things that were difficult to imagine in the dead of winter. I feel like I’m reaping what I’ve sown. I planted seeds of faith and resilience and stillness and hope and patience and forgiveness. All those things are budding now. They only needed time.
With what I’ve come to know about proper seeding, I’m planting more and more. I’m intentionally saying and doing things that I know will cause me to thrive and flourish in due time.
Time. The most important factor in just about everything.
Probably the most essential seed I planted was that of stillness. I wanted to grow in the area of patience and trusting the process. I probably spent more time nurturing that seed than any other, and I’m so glad I did.
I’m good at expecting the unexpected now. It’s actually become more exciting than worrisome.
Fear of the unknown doesn’t burden me like it used to. When life happens, I allow it to. I’ve released the need to have control over things I can’t control. Anxiety no longer plagues me. You know that God awful ball in the bottom of your stomach? That feeling that you’re falling with nothing to grab on to? Like you’re gaining momentum as you descend to the pit, and you feel heavier and heavier until you either crash or something catches you?
I’m trying to think back to the last time I felt that heavy. I honestly can’t recall. –wait. I’m texting my best friend and cousin to see if they remember.
Nope! They can’t recall either. I mean, the expected frustrations with the ins and outs of parenting, work life, etc. but I haven’t been low-low in quite some time.
That makes me proud.
Winter didn’t take me out, and now Spring is here giving me all the fever. The good kind.
The really, really good kind.
To everything there is a season.