I will tell you the truth, because it’s important. Yesterday, I cried about the failure of my marriage to SDR. The moment was triggered by a picture I found on my desktop at work. It was this gorgeous photo of the three of us. Our family. A photo that has actually been used in several advertisements for apps and such. Anyway, I played back the whole photo shoot in my mind. I remembered the exact day we took the pictures. I stared at it, and thought to myself ‘Wow, we looked so happy.’ And truly we did.
But the longer I stared the more I remembered the truth.
We did that shoot just days after discovering (between one another) that our vows had been broken. Those photos were taken during a time when we were trying to mend the broken pieces. We wanted to work so badly. We loved each other so much. But we were damaged, and underneath our smiles we were both hurting.
Sitting at my desk, I felt the tears coming and didn’t try to stop them. In between classes I simply took myself to a bathroom stall and let them fall. I had a really good cry. A good cleansing one. I thought about everything that made me sad. Allowed those feelings to come to the forefront of my mind. Allowed myself to be angry. Allowed myself to be hurt. Allowed myself to miss our life together. I gave myself permission to feel all those feels, and then I cried to release them. For a good 5 minutes in the bathroom stall at work, I let all those heavy things fall away from me in the form tears.
And then, I left them there. Dried any remaining residue from my eyes. Trashed the napkin. And walked out feeling much lighter. Much better.
I think of tears as things that need to get out of me. Each one carries a burden that will never return to my body. Never weigh me down again. So I like to cry every now and again. It keeps me light. You understand?
Don’t carry hurt because your pride or ego won’t allow you to admit that you’re hurting. So what you’re hurting? There’s hurt, and there’s also healing. They pretty much go hand in hand when you think about it. You can’t have one without the other. Think of that in a positive way. There can be no hurt if there is not also a healing that comes along with it. God is able.
Every tear I cry only means I’m alive. I’m human. I have feelings that still work. I’m grateful that my heart still works. You know what I’m saying?
That I cried about us not working out… Does that mean I still want him? Do you still love him, B? You miss him? What if he reads this?
Nope. And it doesn't matter if he does or doesn't.
I’m writing this for me, first, and for those who may need to hear it, second.
I sincerely only want me right now. See, the issue with SDR and I wasn’t a lack of love between us. I loved him. He loved me. We both know that love still exists. It was a lack of healing. Neither of us were completely okay when we came together in the first place. We were both in need of band-aids to cover the wounds of our pasts. We both had wounds in our way. To heal as one, we needed to know those things going in, but we didn’t. We were too infatuated with how good we felt to one another. He felt so good. We were happy, but it was external; not internal. Our happiness was determined by the other. We were not okay as individuals. And once we hurt one another, it was (unfortunately) irreparable. The band aid came off. All nasty, blood stained, and stuff… It wouldn’t stick anymore.
And I learned my lesson from that.
No more band aids. I’m just out here chilling in the fresh air allowing nature to work its wonder on me. Heal me from the inside out using only natural medicine. The light from the sun to grow me. Water to cleanse me. The breeze to comfort me. Until I am whole. One. With God.
And then, once all the healing is done I’ll entertain another who is also whole. One. With God.
And I’ll call up one of my favorite photographers, and have a photo shoot. And I’ll replace these old memories with new ones. You know? And I’ll keep living my life and feeling things that need to be felt. And experiencing things that need to be experienced.
And sharing things that need to be shared. Like this post. So we can all be encouraged to keep healing. Keep living. Keep going. Keep going. Keep. Going.
Simple like that.