everything is different.
Three weeks remain.
I’m sad to see it go. Summer has been good to me. Colorful, vibrant, happy, rich, full. Life giving, truly. It was restful, but not boring, in the least. Adventurous in every sense of the word. Just fun! I feel refreshed and new, you know? I needed this. Needed this whole past year.
Last July (and summer) I was extremely low. Sad. Going through the worst break-up of my life. My heart was frozen.
Same time, though, I was beginning to learn so much about the concept of time. What it is, what it can mean, and what purpose it serves in our lives.
I can remember my mama saying, “Baby just get through an hour, eight hours, a day, a week at a time.
And my therapist saying, “Brandie, look at me. You know you won’t be in this same place six months from now, right? A year? You understand situational depression, yes?
A slow nod, and then I’d manage to squeeze an, “Mhm…” past the lump in my throat.
And here I am typing this feeling pretty amazing.
Things pass… they really do. My life is full of proof.
Hard to believe the difference a year has made.
I redid my master bedroom this past weekend. I wanted it to feel a bit cozier. It felt kind of cold down there. Felt like I only slept, showered, and stored my clothes there. So, I took a day to deep clean and organize. And then I added some color, some more art on the walls, and placed a plant near the French doors on this cool little table I found for twenty bucks at Hobby Lobby. I like it much better now. I’m lying comfortably in bed now listening to some really good music and writing. A little change can go a long way.
I guess that’s one reason I’ve come so far.
Everything in my life is different.
For the past year I’ve rearranged myself like I rearranged my room. I’ve deep cleaned and organized. Added pops of color where needed, and added some art and life to empty spaces. I’ve tried some things out, just to see how they’d work. I’ve even committed to some of the things, and later changed my mind.
The arrangement of my life now feels like home. I’m comfortable in my skin, I like the with they way it looks, and I’m living in it in a way that feels true and right to me.
I guess I’m just kind of blown away that it’s been a year. A year used to seem like such a long time. The older I get, the quicker they pass.
I can’t believe how different I feel. Can’t believe all that’s happened in the past twelve months. Can’t believe the growth I’ve experienced.
You know how things happen sometimes, and you look back and say… how did I even get here?
Well, I know exactly how I got here. I felt every inch of my growth. Was aware of every thought that entered my mind. Consciously made decisions to change some of my approaches to life. I did maintenance on myself. I told myself the truth. I did things to make me happy. I truly, wholly, and purposefully put myself absolutely first.
And now? I feel just absolutely beautiful in my skin. No. Listen. Like, I really see it. I look at see myself and recognize the amazing woman I’m becoming, and I’m smitten with her. I’m impressed by the things she says. Taken by the way she lives. Lifted by her freedom. She’s evolving right before my eyes. Becoming the woman she always wanted to be.
I’m typing this through a mixture of emotions. My eyes are swelling now. There are still some remnants of disappointment, but there’s so much gratefulness, and joy. These few tears are perfectly blended. They are the sign of the life that is flowing right of me.
Listen, I know that self-love is not as simple and easy as we sometimes pretend it is. As humans we mess up and let ourselves down so much. It’s not always easy to really, really love ourselves. Love ourselves exactly where we are... Love our ‘things’ and the arrangement of them. Love our photos. Love our reflection. Love our circumstances, our lives, our stories.
And it’s not always easy to ignore where others are in their journeys. Let’s be honest. It takes a conscious effort not to complain, to be grateful, and be joyful. We have to train ourselves to live and think that way, because our natural instinct is to look around and notice what’s missing. That’s the truth of the matter for most of us (most of the time).
SN: I wanna inspire self love. Like, for real self love. The kind that is contagious because it’s seeping from your pores, and so if anyone gets anywhere near you they are susceptible to catching what you have. The world needs more love, yes, we know that. But it starts with self. We’ve gotta have enough love for both ourselves and others. We need to be so rich with love that it doesn’t deplete us to share some.
That means forgiving yourself. Allowing yourself room to grow. And being patient and gentle with yourself as you are growing. I overshare some details of my life for this purpose: to illustrate the beauty of journeying freely through this life. Freely as in allowing yourself to go and grow where the ebb and flow of life may lead you.
I hope to paint a picture of how change is actually a good and necessary thing. I share so openly, because I want to make it clear that letting go of something doesn’t have to mean the end of everything else. And I wanna show how time is actually on our side when we truly embrace it and allow it to work on our behalf.
Anyway, when I look at the past year of my life EVERYTHING has changed. I am so grateful for that. I’m in love with the woman I’m evolving into. In love. Change offers the opportunity to start all over again. And who doesn’t love a restart? Who doesn’t appreciate a good reset when the system isn’t acting right?
Last year I didn’t love what things looked like, you know? I had no idea where my ‘things’ would end up… let alone how they would be arranged once they arrived somewhere.
Today, I’m grateful that I’ve even managed to keep the ‘things’ together at all. The fact that I happen to love the arrangement is just a bomb bonus.
Can you relate to how it feels to look at yourself and think:
Whoa. I like her! She’s amazing. She’s so many things. She’s beautiful, she’s confident, she’s fun, cool, adventurous. She’s loving, compassionate, authentic, and honest.
She’s free. She’s me. She’s all the things I’ve ever wanted to be.
She’s the woman I would choose if I could choose what woman I wanted to be.