When I meet a person of interest there’s one thing I need to know before I even consider considering (I said that right) spending any amount of time or energy on them. Very early on I ask,
“Are you available?”
I don’t preface this question with anything. I don’t add any disclaimers or buffers. I ask it flat out with a straight face and no expectation.
Disclaimer: We’re talking about someone I could potentially see romantic ties with; not friendly exchanges.
Them: Wait. Say that again?
Me: Are. You. Available?
There is only one acceptable response. All others equal no.
Acceptable response: “I am available, Brandie. Totally.”
Now, this is also an opportune time for me to get a grasp of how transparent he’s willing to be, how sincere, how honest, and whether or not he has comprehension issues and/or communication issues. The responses that win me over are the ones in which he can explain exactly what he means when he says, “Yes, I’m available.”
Unacceptable responses (include, but are not limited to): “I’m going through a divorce.” (talk to me several months AFTER the ink dries) “I’ve been broken up about a month.” (no thanks. not interested in being your rebound) “I am, but I’m not really looking for a relationship.” (Oh, okay. That’s fine, but probably also means you ARE interested in sex with no strings.) Next. “When you say available, what exactly do you mean?” (boy bye) “I am, but ___ (insert nonsense here)”
–you get the idea here. There are so many possible answers, but the only one I want to hear is “Yes.” (and some sort of valid explanation)
Here’s the thing: No. I’m not gonna sign myself up to get involved with a man who is emotionally unavailable to me. I’m far too smart for that.
Wait. Let me go here for a second. I have to. Dear ‘side chicks’ and/or ‘women’ who ASSIST in the demise of a man's family by being a DISTRACTION and being an available ESCAPE to him. YOU are a TERRORIST who deserves the heart ache that can and will be the only result of two cowards joining forces. BUT I will pray that the heart ache will only convict you to CHANGE your thinking and STOP feeling like it is in ANY way okay to do what you’re doing and have done to FAMILIES (including other women and innocent children). I pray that you will grow to understand that you are worth more than a man (boy) who is not completely available to invest in you ( who most likely never had plans to) nor give you what you WILL deserve (one day) once you do what is RIGHT. Okay. –end rant.
Ugh. Let me say something else (a really transparent moment): I have met several guys over the past year (since I’ve been separated and then divorced from my husband). And yes, a couple were unavailable (in relationships –NOT MARRIED tho!). And I wish they could chime in here. Clearly tho, that could be very incriminating. But the point is, I’d want them to share their experience with me. How I would sincerely only encourage them to work out their issues with their loved one and not allow distractions (including myself) to cause them to lose sight. And even when they’ve fought me on it, I have walked away before becoming a part their mistake. Plain and simple: There is a right way to do things.
And starting something before ending something else is the WRONG way to do relationships. At this point in my life, I’m not going to HELP someone do wrong. What grown, respectable, or morally sound person does that?
In my opinion, a woman who aides a man in the demise of his family is the exact type of woman he deserves for allowing her to. She’s weak minded. She will not help build him up. She will assist him in making even more bad decisions, because she doesn’t truly have his best interest at heart. She’s in the whole thing for selfish reasons. She needs validation. Something no one will ever be able to give her. He will get stuck. Lose his way and ultimately want to run home, because he will realize that if she truly cared she would have never been a part of his downfall. He’ll regret ever believing the grass was greener on the other side. He will miss his old yard, and when he takes a ride past it he’ll notice that it’s been tended to just fine. He’ll probably try and ring the doorbell, and she’ll only to stand in the door, never opening it, just looking at him. She’ll shake her head in disappointment, only for a moment remembering what she used to see when she looked at him. And then she’ll run all those things back in her mind and... close the door. No words. And gently. Because she’s a lady.
“I am no one’s distraction or escape. I am a whole woman who is only interested in a whole man. Not a piece of one. Who do you think I am?” asked the woman who valued herself.
Ladies: If he's not available, leave him where he is. He either isn't right for you, or isn't right 'now' for you. Trust the process. What is meant to be will be, and it will not require you to go about things the wrong way. It will be one hundred percent right. And when you post about God blessing you... you can do it with a clear conscience.