I thought long and hard on it, and I spent a lot of time developing the idea. I prayed and sought counsel on it, because I needed a resolution that I could live with. It was perplexing because my heart and mind were in a fierce rivalry. My mind preferred to expose you. It sought to bring you to your knees and leave you with no choice but to beg for mercy. It wanted to destroy you… My heart wouldn’t allow it, though. It chose to be righteous. It knew that vengeance was not mine to have.
It occurred to me to do nothing more than continue to live. And live well.
There would be no greater feeling of satisfaction, I decided. Nothing about it would be vindictive. It would be free of resentment or bitterness. There would be no anger and no ill-will towards you. It would actually be better than revenge, I figured. I wouldn’t have to be concerned with the consequences or guilt of intentionally harming you. It would be healing for me. I’d be lighter; less burdened down.
This “Live Well” concept excited me!
(I’ll admit: I imagined your face when you saw me doing it… You know. Living. All well and stuff… But I made sure to do it for me. NOT for you. And not with the hope of making you resentful. Because if I lived for you ONE more moment of my life… I might as well dig my own grave and dive in, head first.)
So, I set out to do it. Live well. For me. The first thing I had to do was let go of the hope that things could have turned out differently. That was the hardest part, really. But once I did, life started happening out of nowhere! With my eyes set on living, I was able to see so much clearer than before. You had been blocking my view.
I mean, it’s as if life had been waiting for me. It was almost overwhelming how it opened up to me, wrapped me in its arms and embraced me. Held me and reassured me that everything was going to be okay.
It occurred to me that I could begin again. Live again.
So I did. And I am. And it has worked out… very well… for me.
And I know you know.
And it makes me wonder if you’ll follow my lead. Because poor you… you’re still stuck. You haven’t moved forward or backward. You’re just there; lost in your own existence. Missing out on life, and life missing out on you. I don’t know what satisfaction you seek. I don’t know what needs to happen in order for you to get past everything, but I do hope that in time you’re able to live well like me.
Because it’s not happening for you right now.
And I know you know I know.